"Why do I have so much anxiety about failure?
If you've been following along to the latest and most recent current events, then you'll know that the American economy is going through some post traumatic stressing. Gas and food prices have gone up, rent is sky high, and air travel seems near impossible. The pandemic seems too be lingering much longer than we had hoped.
The move to Colorado is postponed until I can see where the market is heading. This is a personal move that I'm making to be "financially responsible". My savings seem to have less purchasing power and Colorado's cost of living has gone up since 2020. I would end up in the hospital from exhaustion trying to work multiple jobs while recovering from my own post traumatic stressing and prior injuries.
Things are certainly different now. I am not as energetic as I used to be which is probably because I've been creating a mold of myself in my bed from being cradled by my depression and laying in it all day. It might be past injuries which could explain the chronic pain I feel. That's why the cannabis helps. Still, I know well without a doubt, it's not a substitute for going to the doctor’s and getting a check up. It has been a couple years since I've been examined. I am not a fan of doctors, doctor's offices, or any places that involve blood. Nothing personal against the medical workers, or anything like that. I get squeamish when it comes to blood, and the smell of those super clean places, feel like dementors stealing the life out of my soul. Why are hospitals so cold anyway?
One thing that is for certain is I'm stuck in this town for longer than I thought. Luckily, I am the type of person who can adapt and adjust when faced with drastic and difficult changes/challenges. I thrive off of the challenges of life even in the moments when I struggle with anxiety and depression. Seeking therapy helps with the navigation of why I’m feeling these emotions, and how to assess if certain emotions serve me any real purpose in different moments. It's like being able to sift through the noise of the thousands of thoughts buzzing around in this noggin of mine. In the word's of my favorite character from League of Legends, Wukong, I have to, "Adapt to all situations!" I like those kinds of sayings even if they sound corny. I'm also accepting of the fact that I am thirty and had to come back to the mommy’s house to try to survive this shit storm that has been Y2K. I never really stopped to thinking about that fact.
All I know is the art of survival. This is the perfect time to go digital. I don't want to leave the house until I start generating income from my passions. As an artist I still have to eat, and that's why I am grateful to have a place to stay. A roof over my head is more than most have, and I'm not going to squander this time of healing, processing, expressing, and planning. The pandemic served me up an eye opener, as I'm sure it served us all. Therapy has been making me think about so many things nowadays in a different light.
Since I am back home for now, I'm reevaluating and developing a better plan. I will live off my savings in the meantime, and delve fully into my research and development of how to make money from blogging online, selling my art, and producing my own music project to be distributed and sold everywhere. Everyone has their thing in life, mine is art and music. Therapy has taught me to turn anxiety into productivity using creativity. I have to get in front of the fear of failure and fear, fear itself. Anxiety keeps trying to feed me the voices in my head that tell me it’s impossible. I clap-back and respond with “I’m Possible.”
I'm a work in progress, and I'm recovering and healing on my terms. I can't explain why, but all I know is I am letting my mind, body, and spirit tell me what to do through meditation, yoga, and prayers to the Universe. I try to meditate daily so when anxiety rears it's ugly head I'm able to navigate situations much calmer and easier. Again, I’m a work in progress, and going as slow as it takes me.
That's all for now. I hope you're doing as well as you can so far. Keep on holding on, we are not out of the storm yet. I wish you well on your mental health journey and as always I appreciate you for reading. Remember to go easy on yourself, no one is perfect.
Until next time...
NorthBoundWriter
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