"How do I find myself?"
It reminded me of how much you don't know until you go. For me I am working through being an anxious wreck of a 30 year old. Being 1991 born, I did not expect to be living in such historical times. These are very volatile, if not delicate times we are living in.
So, of course, now I am preparing to leave the nest again. I've got a small savings and this pandemic has taught me some lessons of how to make due without. It's honestly no different from living how I lived during my childhood. Having a single mom raise four kids on her own is a feat in and of itself. I'm proud of my mom for being able to teach me what it takes to survive.
As I'm seeing my therapist, it has my mind thinking in different ways I've never thought in. Which obviously that must be the magic of therapy, or this specific type of therapy, honestly I don't know. What I do know is that I'm starting to use these techniques to document my being here. It would be a shame to leave this world not doing what you love doing.
I love to read. I don't mean like I'm reading a book 24/7, that would be a dream come true. I like how my eyeballs do their thing when connecting with the visual stimuli of the letters of words on screen, or on paper. I want to say I remember being taught to read at an early age, but I'm not sure. I always had to keep up with my late older brother who seemed to always be good at everything. People say that some of the most smartest and creative people are lazy.
Whatever you want to call it, being raised in poverty certainly does come with it's myriad of challenges. A lot of those extra curricular programs or teams my family just couldn't afford. I am the byproduct of the generation of 90s kids that got raised by the internet. I'm still trying to see if these internet skills will benefit me in the future.
That's what brings me to write and develop this blog. Why don't I do my best to tell my story and get feedback along the way. I heard a podcast by Lewis Howes, "How to be Great", and he's interviewing Amy Cuddy, a psychologist from Harvard, and she is just explaining the summation of all my feelings when it comes to having low self-esteem. I searched how to build self esteem on Spotify. I wanted to take a break from the brain numbing streaming app that I use.
Instead, I'm just going for it, like in the podcast, and that one saying about how when you are alone that's when you know yourself. I want to accept myself and embrace that maybe I'm a weird writer. Maybe my grammar sucks, maybe it won't be good enough, maybe it won't be interesting, etc, etc. I could go on and on and on. I'm starting to realize that who I am isn't based off my past. Yeah, it may be there but it doesn't have to define me in the here and now.
So here I am now. Just embracing my inner self and saying, "I love you", to myself. In doing this I give myself the opportunity to share. I get to share a part of me that I otherwise couldn't do in the current state of the fabric of our society. Or so it seems. I'm just trying to retrain my mind and tell myself it's okay, just do your best, it's really going to be okay.
I'm coming at crossroads in my life and one way is the safe way and the other way is the risky way. Both ways are going to require risk. I've been homeless and on the streets before. Now I have the opportunity to travel to another country, or stay in my own country, and move to another state. Both are opportunities for me to continue to improving my writing. Traveling to another country would be fantastic, but then I'd have to worry about COVID-19, my friends and family thinking I'm crazy, and things going terribly wrong.
Traveling to another state has already been done before. So I'm not too worried there. But I'm thinking that if I'm able to work from anywhere then why not be that traveling digital nomad and sight seeing and writing to the best of his abilities. I don't know. I'm still thinking how crazy I just might be. I didn't get my passport for no reason though. I can't act like the world isn't trying to recover from the pandemic as well.
The only thing I can do is wait and see. This looks like a good stopping place and a moment to say thank you for reading. I hope you are showing up to your day as best as you can. If you like my style of writing then stay tuned for more posts. I hope they can be entertaining and insightful when it comes to Mental Health and living authentically. Whatever that means for you. Take care.
Again, Thank you all so much for reading!
If you have gained any value and liked reading any of my material on this blog then please leave me a "Peace" sign emoji in the comment section or at my social media handles @NBWBlogger and definitely follow me or subscribe. This way I can get an idea of what kind of content I can start working on to make sure I do my part to give back to our beautiful "HUMAN Internet" community. However you would like to find ways to be notified so you'll know when I post at the very least. To whom it may concern, I hope you're doing what you can how you can with what you've been given because you are truly worth it.
Until next time...
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